The Trial I'm Going Through
About a year ago, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. As I like to call it, my brain broke. I could no longer process my thoughts and my emotions and I no longer felt connected to anyone or anything...especially God. My brain was a war zone, and I was the victim. I was now in an environment where I was my own worst enemy so to speak and I no longer felt safe. I was scared and confused and I felt entirely alone.The one thing you never really hear discussed in the church is mental health, so when I realized something was wrong I didn't know what to do. I kept it a secret for three long and terrifying months. I was afraid that I was in the wrong, that I was doing something to cause this, that it was all my fault that I was experiencing these thoughts and negative emotions. Why wasn't I able to be joyful in all circumstances? Why wasn't I thankful for the life that I was given? Why did I no longer care? What had happened to the person that I was a year ago? And the biggest question of all: Where was God in all of this? My relationships were no longer important, school was no longer important, and God was no where to be found. I didn't feel Him anywhere and I couldn't see His influence in my life anywhere. I was in a really bad place. I didn't think that I was a Christian because of my thoughts and the way that I was acting. I doubted everything, especially my faith. I've always struggled with doubt (another post for another day), but this was extreme. I felt entirely alone and dead and numb inside. I wanted nothing to do with people or life in general; my brain's main response to everything was that I wanted sleep. Life was pointless to me, and I wanted peace and rest from the mental turmoil that I was experiencing.
Why Am I Sharing This?
The reason I'm being so open and honest about this is because I know that there are people out there, like me, who think that they are entirely alone when it comes to depression. They think that they're doing something wrong, or not trying hard enough and are failing because they can't be joyful in all circumstances. I want you to know, if you're walking with God every day and praying and studying His Word and are still experiencing these thoughts and emotions, you are not a terrible person. God is not punishing you. You are unfortunately experiencing a chemical imbalance that makes your hormones all out of whack. It's what happened to me, and I wish that I had realized all of this before I started hating the person that depression had made me become. My brain had just decided that it couldn't handle pressure and emotions anymore, but I was still a Daughter of the King. I was still His, and He's allowed me to go through depression to bring me closer to Him and to strengthen my relationship with Him.I realized that even though I didn't feel happy or joyful that God was my happiness and my joy. He's my peace and my hope. He's my strength. If the whole purpose of me experiencing depression was to realize that God is my everything then it was all worth it. I'm a totally different person because of my depression, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. God emptied me of all emotion and I was no longer able to connect to Him emotionally. He allowed me to experience a relationship with Him on a more intellectual level. He's daily showed me truths through His Word that I might have never discovered before depression. He's pushed me to trust Him completely and to let Him lead. I've had to rely on Him to be my everything. Because of this trial, I've been able to worship God differently and love Him more deeply. Depression has made me realize that my relationship with God is the most important thing in my life. It's helped me to realize the complete power of the Gospel and God's grace and love for me.
Crucifixion, The Ultimate Form of Disconnect
Jesus experienced so much on the cross for me. He suffered the crushing weight of all of our sin and He experienced the total wrath of His Father. He was completely disconnected from God because of the weight of our sins. Completely disconnected. Jesus knew what that felt like, and yet He still died for me anyways. He experienced being disconnected from God so that I wouldn't have to. That's how much He loves me-loves us. That's the Gospel. I thought I was disconnected from God because of my depression but that wasn't true at all- God never left me. He loves me so much that He's used my depression, this trial, for good. He's taught me so much through this. I understand His love for me more because of it.Hebrews 12:1-3 is a beautiful reminder of what Christ did for us and how He conquered the grave. This was a passage that I constantly read to give me hope to keep fighting.
The Reason to Fight
Christ endured the cross for us, and He defeated it. He fought for me and because of this, I'm not going to give up even though it might be hard and I might get tired mentally and emotionally. God gives us the strength to go through our trials and He always uses them for good. He is always faithful. He never leaves us even when He may seem silent. God's been so faithful to bring me to this point and He is faithful in your life as well. I hope this post can be a good reminder of God's goodness and how much He loves you.King David knew exactly what I'm going through. He too struggled with depression, and yet he was considered a man after God's own heart. He knew that regardless of what he went through God would always be his hope and his strength. This verse from Psalms has been a huge encouragement to me, and I hope it can encourage you too. "I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken." (Psalm 16:8) God is walking beside you and He goes before you, and He's daily giving you the strength and grace to do what He's called you to do. Keep trusting in Him. His love for us is so unfathomable and so beautiful.
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